How to be anchored

   The last few months have been particularly challenging for me.  I have had a number of falls recently but the last two have been bad.  Both my right and left legs have sustained damage.  Healing has been slow and arduous; not to mention painful.  I have had so many x-rays in the past few weeks to make sure the bones have not been broken.  This last fall left my right ankle sprained on both sides.  It took over two weeks for the swelling to come down.  During that time walking was exceedingly difficult.  I relied heavily on others to help me out.  My church family was amazing bringing meals for me while I recovered and the kids and Dave have been great helping me out.

    I had a doctors appointment last week and it became clear that my left side is having lots of difficulty responding to the commands my brain sends it.  I didn't realize it was that sluggish until I did the tests.  I have had a CAT scan and EEG for headaches and tremors I was having which seem to affect my left hand the most.  All those were clear and I was diagnosed with Essential Tremors; put on a beta blockers to ease the tremors.  At that time, I hadn't fallen like I have been for the past few months.  My GP wants an MRI and for me to go back to the Neurologist to see what other tests may need to be done.  So, I wait to see how all this unfolds.

   I am physically exhausted and I wonder what it feels like to feel normal or good again.  I have had to limit things I do, train myself to take it slow and easy, give myself permission to not 'do it all".   I haven't been able to drive for the last several weeks only just getting back to it in the last couple days.  I went out for dinner last Friday when a friend picked me up and while it was amazing to get out, walking was difficult and I was sore when I got home. :(

   Through all these physical difficulties I am learning to trust God in different ways.  After my doctors appointment I texted a friend and a few moments later she was at my door.  I burst into tears upon seeing her.  I don't think she will ever understand how much I needed that right then.  We prayed together and I realized that even then, God was pouring encouragement into that single moment.  When we prayed, I knew the Lord was there.  I recalled and claimed the verses in Hebrews 6:19 that talk about Jesus being our hope; the very anchor of our soul (thus the reason this blog is named Anchor of the Soul).  I was reminded that our bodies are fragile and sometimes weak but that our security is firmly rooted in things that are not 'earthly'.  Since our prayer time that day, God has continued to remind me in various ways how true this is - this anchoring of my soul.   After a particularly trying day this past week, the same friend who prayed with me that day sent me scripture to end my night with. Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear or be dismayed, I am your GOD, I will strengthen you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."   This set of scripture was followed by John 10:27-29 "My sheep hear my voice and I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life and they will never perish and no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me is greater than all and no one is able to snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and my Father are one." ; Psalm 119: 129-130 "Your testimonies are wonderful; therefore my soul keeps them. The unfolding of your word gives light, it imparts understanding to the simple."  and finally Psalm 23 "The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul."  These truths are what is lifting me up right now.  As these verses have come to me, either by friend or daily reading of scripture, I have illustrated them in my journal Bible.  They are becoming a part of my soul as I hold tightly onto their truths.

I have been having such a hard time with this emotionally.  I am constantly afraid of falling again and wonder what in the world is going on with me.  It's hard not to let the emotions take over.  Going to the word has kept my soul anchored.  Expressing the verses through art as I turn to my Bible allows me to meditate on it as I form a picture in my head and on paper of how my Heavenly Father holds me when anxiety threatens and fear seeks to control.  He is holding me with His righteous right hand, He is my Shepherd, I am in the palm of His hand, and He restores my soul as His word brings light and understanding.  I can testify to all these things. :)  Doesn't mean I don't struggle, or I have my moments or I don't experience the angst, I do, but I am learning to allow God to hold me through it.  It's humbling.